Being an adopted Korean person who is married to an adopted Korean person means every so often we joke about the remote possibility that we might be related. Distant cousins? First cousins? Brother and sister?
Ew.
And we laugh and laugh. It’s like an adult version of a gross-out game. Until the laughter stops, and we quiet down. For too long.
“Do you think we really are related?”
I do not, but if it turned out that we were, that would be a darn good reason not to marry a fellow AK. (But really, aren’t we all connected by at least one strain of DNA?)
However, there are many perks to marrying a fellow AK. Here are just a few.
Our family portraits are similarly spooky. Growing up, neither one of us ever noticed the oddity of our family portraits. We viewed them as our parents did – as just another Wonder bread-eating American family – until we got married. You turn into Haley Joel Osment the moment you see those wedding day photos with both families. Suddenly, you start seeing all the white people.
Our family conversations are familiar. It’s just another Thanksgiving dinner on either side of the family when Uncle Bob or Grandpa John serve up war commentary on the “dirty Japs” and “crazy gooks” between helpings of turkey and mashed potatoes. We try not to spit out cranberry sauce at grandma when she inevitably says the “O” word – and it is not in reference to the handcrafted rug beneath our feet.
We are two Koreans – instead of one – at family gatherings. After years of thinking of us as “one of them,” our families finally noticed that we are not. Apparently it takes at least two of us to be at the same gathering for them to develop their own sixth sense and start seeing the Koreans in the family.
We agree that last names should not merge. Our marriage was BYON – Bring Your Own (Last) Name. There would be no name-changing or confusing unions by hyphen. The chances are high that one of you meets the cruel AK fate of being adopted into a family with the last name of Smith or Johnson or Andersen. In our case, that fate fell to my husband, formerly known as “Smitty.” Thankfully, he started using his Korean last name long before I met him. However, the second uniquely AK fate is that your Korean last names (confirmed or not) are the same, which just raises the whole gross-out issue of possible relations again.
Everyone thinks we are meant for each other. My husband and I could not be more mismatched, but the single fact that we are both adopted makes other people swoon on our behalf. The prevailing assumption seems to be that two AKs with identity issues have the potential to add up to a whole person without issues. We’re still waiting for that math to work out, but we’re really excited about it.
Are you an AK married to a fellow AK? What do you consider to be the perks of such a union?
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My husband and I are both KAs. Before we got married, people would ask my husband, “Why don’t you marry another Korean Adoptee?” To which he would respond, “Why should I settle for damaged goods?” But we meld together nicely.
Hi there,
I am not Korean nor adopted, but have been living in Korea for 4 years and met a lot of people who were sent overseas for adoption. I think it takes a very strong mind and an incredible sense of humor to overcome such an ordeal and I am happy to see you writing such humorous articles about your experiences. No matter how “mismatched” you may be, I wish you luck. My bf is Korean and it seems like we have almost nothing in common except (oddly enough) very similar taste in food. Regardless, we keep on truckin’ along…..^^
I envy those married to fellow AK’s. I on the hand opted for the 1.5′er – KA marriage. All I can say is finding a marriage counselor who is versed both in AK issues and Korean generation 1.5 issues is next to impossible & divorce is just too expensive nowadays… ;)
Love your post. Great sense of humor :)