How I Met Your Mother
by RANDALL PARK
My 8-month-old daughter Ruby couldn’t give a crap about Valentine’s Day. But there will come a time when she’ll desire a Valentine, and some young douchebag will trot to her doorstep, hand her a fistful of flowers and ask her to be his. That’s when I’ll pop out of the bushes, karate-chop his neck, and he’ll fall to the ground and die. I’ll explain to Ruby that I killed that dude because my precious daughter deserves better. I’ll promise her that one day she’ll find true love. Then, I’ll tell her this story:
In 2008, I was a mess. I was a struggling actor, fresh out of a long-term relationship that had fallen to pieces. Broke, lonely and depressed, I stayed cooped up in my crappy apartment drowning myself in whiskey and tubs of butter pecan ice cream. I’d only leave for auditions, hardly any of which I’d book. It’s hard to wow a casting director when you stagger into an audition with ice cream on your crotch. I resolved to get out more. Hang out with friends. Wash my pants.
It was at a friend’s party where I saw her—the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my life. So beautiful that there was no way I could ever approach her because I am what is commonly known as “a coward.” At one point, we even made eye contact, but I figured that’s bound to happen when you’re staring at someone for three hours straight. She was probably creeped out. I went home and ate ice cream.
The next day, sitting in an audition waiting room, I looked up from my lines and, lo and behold, it was the same pretty face from the party! I sat there in silence, now doubly nervous. That’s when she introduced herself. Her name was Jae, and she had recognized me from the party. Turned out we had mutual friends and similar interests. She was so smart and funny. I was smitten. The casting director called her in, and after her audition, she disappeared. She probably had a boyfriend. More ice cream.
The very next day, I walked into a different audition waiting room, and there she was again! I couldn’t believe it. This was beyond a coincidence. It was divine intervention, and I had no choice but to make a move. To make a long story short, Jae and I ended up dating. We fell in love, got married, and not long after that, we made the most beautiful baby girl in the entire world. We have never been called into the same audition since.
True love found me. It was persistent when I was not. It made the introduction when I was unable to. And eventually, I had no choice but to make the move, and today I am married to the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. I’ll explain to Ruby that this is why I keep killing her wack-ass boyfriends. And until her true love comes along, she’ll have to settle for a Valentine from the one man who will always love her most. Me.
To enjoy more of Randall’s work, visit www.randallparkplace.com.
This article was published in the February 2013 issue of KoreAm. Subscribe today! To purchase a single issue copy of the February issue, click the “Buy Now” button below. (U.S. customers only.)