Yongho and Soonhee Kim doused themselves in gasoline and set themselves on fire in their Queens home. Photo from The New York Times.
Selfish. Prideful. Weak. These are usually the words that come to my mind when I think of suicide. Did they even consider how the lives of their friends and families would be affected by their decision? Is it so hard to ask for help? Was living life that hard?
Anger and disbelief usually always took precedent over empathy and understanding. And I’m not saying that my reaction is the “right reaction,” but it was always the emotional “gut” reaction that I’ve had.
However, my reaction after reading about Jieun Kim’s parents’ suicide in the New York Times was different. I still had my usual reaction to a degree, but these emotions were muted and overshadowed by a larger sense of grief and fear. It might be because of the way they took their lives. Or it could’ve been because of the letter that her father left behind. But mostly, I think it was because her story could’ve just as easily been mine.
According to the Times, Soonhee and Yongho Kim, Jieun’s mother and father, had a nail salon store on Long Island but were deep into debt and were unable to pay rent for the store and their apartment. In February, after leaving a note for Jieun that read: “I love you, my daughter. I’m very sorry to leave you alone. It would’ve been much better if you had a wealthier father,” Yongho and Soonhee poured gasoline on themselves and lit themselves on fire.
I can’t help but wonder if they were punishing themselves by taking their lives in such a gruesome way, because of their inability to provide for their daughter.
Sung Min Yoon, the assistant project director at the Asian Outreach Clinic of the Child Center of New York, in the Times’ story said that failing to climb the economic ladder can cause shame and embarrassment. And According to the Korean Consulate General in New York, the number of suicides committed by Korean citizens in New York increased from 6 to 15 in 2009 compared to 2008. However, the consul general, Kyungkeun Kim, believes that the actual number might be more than twice that. And this increase in suicide is also mirrored in South Korea. According to the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development in a report released in December, South Korea had the highest suicide rate based on 2006 statistics.
The recession doesn’t discriminate. It matters not what color skin you have, or ethnic identity you claim. But for some, it was difficult even before it got really bad. My own father was unemployed for most of 2007 after he was let go by his employer of more than two decades. He had become a homeowner, bought cars, and put food on the plate and kibble in the doggy bowl for years on that salary. But without a college degree and very poor English, he didn’t have many options, and my mother had to bear the brunt of the financial burden.
Eventually things got better, but if it hadn’t gotten better for my family, how similar would my story have been to Jieun’s? I can never know the answer to that question, and I don’t have a solution to what seems to be a growing problem amongst Koreans and Korean Americans. But I do know, that I’d rather live a difficult life and struggle to make ends meet, with my family, than live comfortably without them. And I’d like to believe that Jieun, who received $37,400 in donations from the Korean community, would be willing to trade that and more to see her family again. It’s just tragic that her parents and so many other Koreans who’ve taken their own lives, fail to realize that.
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I also read similar stories in the LA Times a few years ago about the girl whose father shot everyone in the family with a gun but she survived, because the bullet didn’t penetrate her head fortunately. And the one where the father doused his two kids in the car with gasoline, set them afire and killed his wife.
These stories are sad and pathetic. I think the gist of it all is the fact that Korean culture is way too prideful and unnecessarily over-competitive . You go to a typical Korean-American Christian church, you look through the parking lot and there you have it–the American dream–high end import cars, mothers gossiping about whose son/daughter got into what college, and for what? A pyrrhic victory. You enter corporate America, and white America still doesn’t care that you’re “Mr. or Miss Overachiever/Asian model minority.” You’re still the acquiescent Asian person whom everyone will use as the brunt of the jokes, even if they’re blatantly racist.
I thought your piece was intriguing and well written. I believe shame must be one of the most prevalent reasons that Korean parents commit suicide, however, the fact that they leave their children to bear the aftermath is seemingly selfish yet complex.