The New Dating Game
Author: Michelle
Posted: December 1st, 2007
Filed Under: Back Issues , December 2007
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Feature-Dating 1

By Michelle Woo

Radio stations are playing “All I Want For Christmas Is You” on repeat. Friends are agonizing over what gifts to buy their significant others. Your boss is asking whether you’ll be bringing a “plus one” to the company party.

Oh, the sorrows of being single in December.

You’ve tried the traditional date-finding methods — standing around at clubs filled with fake-ID-toting 19-year-olds, flirting with the cutie at work (usually a bad idea), and perhaps, on particularly desperate occasions, letting Mom set you up with that nice boy/girl from church.

That’s enough, you declare. Aren’t there other ways?

During this season of couples’ greeting cards and holiday-themed romantic comedies, KoreAm takes a look at some off-the-beaten-dating-path alternatives for the unattached. Not because you need someone, but because, hey, wouldn’t it be nice to fuse a little love (or like) connection just in time for the New Year’s countdown?

High Speed Connection

Online Dating

These days, it seems like everyone knows a couple with a “We met online” story. This not-so-new date-finding method thrives for a number of reasons. It allows you to check out rows of eligible bachelors or bachelorettes without changing out of your pajamas. You can also get to know a person before deciding whether face-to-face time is the next step. And hey, you’re already glued to your computer for work and for socializing (oh, we know how often you check your MySpace and Facebook account), so why not use it to upgrade your love life, too?

If you’re interested in clicking your way to romance, you’re not alone. More than 40 million Americans use online dating services, about 40 percent of the nation’s single-people pool. And the numbers spike during the holiday season.

There are a dizzying number of online dating services out there, starting with megasites such as Match.com and eHarmony. Ben Sun, co-founder and CEO of Community Connect Inc., which operates the newly re-launched online community AsianAve.com (formerly AsianAvenue.com), says that while Internet dating was once seen as an oddity, it’s become rather commonplace. The re-vamped site, which boasts nearly 70,000 members, features a dating portal that allows you to create a free profile and browse singles in your area.

“When I would first hear stories of couples meeting on the Internet, it was considered really odd,” Sun says. “Now it’s not only acceptable, but even expected. You always hear questions like, ‘Are you dating anyone? Have you tried using the Internet?’”

If you’re specifically seeking a Korean mate, you might want to peruse KoreanFriendFinder.com, KoreanCupid.com or KoreanRomance.com, though the majority of the male members on such sites seem to be non-Asian. Kdate.com, which has yet to launch formally, has a simple tagline: “Make your Umma happy.”

Tired of the whole club and bar scene, D., a 27-year-old occupational therapist was looking for something new. (Along with some other folks we interviewed, she wishes to remain anonymous as she doesn’t want her current flame to become privy to her dating escapades.) “I kept hearing stories about how acquaintances met their girlfriends or boyfriends, and many times, I’d find out they met online,” she says.

She decided to create profiles on Match.com and Asian dating site Click2Asia and soon her inbox was bombarded with cyber winks and messages. If she liked something she saw, she’d take things a little further, perhaps through more e-mails or phone calls or even an actual date. Some dates led to weeks- or months-long flings, but nothing serious ever evolved. Still, she was happy to have had the experiences.

“I’d totally recommend online dating to anyone who’s bored and somewhat serious about starting a relationship,” says D., who is now dating a guy she met through a friend. “I don’t have any horror stories — or any regrets.”

Sometimes, even more can come out of online dating. Just ask 38-year-old Y., who works in real estate. Several years ago, he put up a profile on KoreanFriendFinder.com. “It was the typical story of being out of college and not being able to find someone unless you went trolling in the bars,” Y. says. “Once you get to an advanced age, what do you have to lose?”

Instead of simply filling out the basic information, Y. decided to add some personality to his profile by writing a little story about his family. One woman was intrigued by his candidness and decided to contact him.

Their first date was at BJ’s in Orange County, Calif. He tried to impress her by introducing her to the restaurant’s famous Pizookie, a cookie baked in a deep-dish pizza pan. He didn’t know she had already had one before. They liked each other instantly and decided to meet again. After many more dates and dinners, Y. proposed.

Now happily married, Y. says he sees online dating as just another way of promoting yourself, similar to how you would on a resume. Who knows who might take a second look?

Another happily-ever-after story comes from JooBee Cho, 33, of Los Angeles, who met her husband Alan through Yahoo! Personals. What first attracted her to her future mate was his photo, which many dating experts say is the most important part of an online ad. “I don’t think it was what he wrote on his profile that caught my attention,” Cho says with a laugh. “He was really cute.”

A self-proclaimed “open book,” Cho says using the Internet to meet someone seemed natural. Her mom would sometimes sit with her at the computer and tell her which guys she thought she should go out with.

Whether you’re looking for a long-term relationship or just a holiday fling, Cho offers this advice for those considering the online route: “Don’t take it too seriously. If you don’t have expectations, you won’t be disappointed.”

TRY IT

eHarmony ($49.95/month) — Features a patented matching process

Lavalife.com ($39.99/month) — Sign up for different dating communities depending on what you’re looking for

Match.com ($29.95/month) — Boasts more than 20 million members across the globe

Koreanfriendfinder.com (free) — Specific chat rooms for those based in Korea, as well as English only

Asianave.com (free) — Meet and connect with Asian Americans across the country

Against The Clock

Speed Dating

Many single folks explain how they want to get out and meet that special someone, but with their unyielding schedules, there’s just not enough time. Enter speed dating, a rapid-fire courtship phenomenon that allows you to meet several potential love interests in less than an hour. The best part? This all happens so quickly that if you land upon a dud, you won’t have time to secretly text message your friend to rescue you.

At traditional speed dating events, men and women meet each other over a series of short “dates,” usually lasting for less than 10 minutes. A bell signals when each date is over. At evening’s end, each person fills out a report stating who they would like to see again.

The Seattle Korean American Professionals Society held its first speed dating event at a nightclub on Valentine’s Day. About 30 people showed up for some turbo-charged mixing and mingling.

“Speed dating has been the new thing in bigger metropolitan cities and we wanted to bring it to Seattle,” says Seattle KAPS social co-chair Joe Cha. “It’s designed for those in the workforce who don’t have a lot of time to go out. We were like, ‘Hey, bring out your girlfriends and guy friends and try something new.’”

Cha says the event created a buzz in the city and even led to couples dating beyond the bell, some for longer periods of time.

TRY IT

Click2Asia ($10-$25) — Frequently hosts speed dating events in New York and Los Angeles. For a schedule, visit www.click2asia.com/events.

8minutedating.com (Cost varies) — Holds events in 55 cities in the U.S. and Canada

Matchmaker, Matchmaker

The New Matching System

In a cozy office in Los Angeles’ Koreatown, Bora Han meets one-on-one with men and women, chatting with them about their families, careers, religion and hobbies.

Her goal: to find each one a spouse.

Han is a “couple manager” for Duo, a Korea-based marriage agency with 40,000 members worldwide. Through an extended process of background checks, consultations, questionnaires and using her “gut instinct,” she attempts to narrow the playing field to make it easier for her clients to find The One.

“I don’t like the word ‘matchmaker,’” says Han, who works mainly with the Korean American market. “It sounds kind of old-fashioned and cheesy.”

Instead, she gives the ancient profession a modern twist. During personalized sessions, clients might fill out information forms with yes-or-no questions about their lifestyle (I can shop for more than three hours) or their philosophies (I believe in love at first sight). Oftentimes, she listens as singles describe their ideal match.

“Women want stability,” Han says. “We’re not a dating service. We’re geared toward marriage. That means a college degree is a must.”

For clients who haven’t had much dating experience, perhaps those who recently immigrated from Korea, couple managers might offer coaching sessions. Jennifer Lee, general manager of the Los Angeles branch, has suggested that ladies who don’t usually wear makeup try a little bit of lip gloss and that men call the women after their dates to see if they got home safely. After clients meet, the couple manager will follow up with them to find out how everything went.

Han says a thrilling part of her job is when she senses sparks. “I had these two clients, Jennifer and Ted,” she says. “I don’t know why I thought they’d be perfect together, but I just knew.” Worldwide, the company boasts a 44-percent marriage rate.

The process, which can take up to several years, doesn’t come cheap. For a one-year membership, Duo charges $1,200 to $5,000, depending on the client. For instance, if someone only wanted to date a doctor who came from an entire family of doctors, that person’s membership rate would probably be on the high-end. On rare occasions, couple managers have had to turn away clients because they didn’t think they’d be able to find them a match.

J., 37, of Long Beach, signed up with Duo at the urging of his mother. He says he used to meet women through friends, but as he got older, his social circle started dwindling. When his mom learned about the service in the newspaper, he hesitantly agreed to try it out.

“I wasn’t really sure what I was getting myself into,” says J., a marketing manager.

But he describes his first consultation as “relaxing”: “It was a general conversation, where she asked me things like ‘What are you looking for?’”

So far, he’s met seven different women through the service, but no one special yet.

“I’m looking for someone who I have a connection with,” J. says. “It’s just a feeling that I’ll get.”

Duo ($1,200-$5,000) — The Los Angeles branch accepts clients from across the U.S. Call (213) 383-0077 or e-mail jenny@duonet.com.

Executivekoreandating.com ($1,500/year) — Claims to be “successfully matchmaking singles since 1987.” Call (800) 655-0361.

Guests Are Welcome

Date My Friend

The scene has been replayed time and time again.

“I’m just not that into you, but you’d be perfect for my friend!”

Taking that age-old concept of pals meeting pals, a group of socialites in the L.A. Asian scene decided to throw a party. The catch? In order to attend, one had to A) be single, B) bring a friend of the opposite sex, and C) be a friend or a friend of a friend of the organizers, who, as women in their 30s, were discovering that many of their single friends didn’t know each other.

“A lot of my guy friends were commenting about my girlfriends and vice versa,” says Jennifer Lee, one of the hostesses. “We just wanted to bring everyone together to see if there could be any sparks. People always say the best way to meet someone is through a friend.”

The much-talked-about soiree grew into Date My Friend, a two-year-old event-planning organization headed by Lee, Ruby Seong and Betty Kong. Lee says she wants to create an environment for singles that’s safe and fun. Guests usually play an icebreaker or two and then go off and mingle on their own. There’s never that awkward curiosity about whether a person is taken and there’s peace of mind in knowing that everyone at the event has been referred. “There’s a trust factor there,” says Lee, who met her current boyfriend at a DMF party. “When you’re friends with someone, your morals and values are in sync.”

If Lee finds out that a guest has made someone uncomfortable, he or she simply won’t be re-invited to the next event.

The hostesses ultimately hope that guests will find love at a DMF event and then politely ask to be taken off the invite list.

Datemyfriend.net (Cost varies per event, but signing up is free) — The original which started in San Francisco but has expanded across the country.

Dmfster.com (Cost varies per event) — To join this Asian American version, e-mail dmfster@gmail.com.

Stay Safe! Guard your identity: Don’t share your real name/phone number or any other identifying information until you’re comfortable.

Note: KoreAm does not endorse any of the dating organizations listed here. Be smart and be careful when dealing with anything that requires payment and your personal information.

****

First Click

An Internet dating newbie’s foray into love at first site.
by Jan Kim

As I get ready to embrace the Big 3-0, I wonder what went wrong. I’d always thought I’d be married by now and have a few kids running around. I consider myself cute, sweet (most of the time) and successful. But lately it’s been hard to meet people.

When KoreAm asked me to investigate the world of online dating, I was hesitant. Do I really have to resort to this? But then I thought, hey, this might be fun. Anyway, wouldn’t it be fulfilling a civic duty to the Korean American community?

Day One

I sign up for eHarmony, known as “America’s No. 1 trusted relationship service.” (I’m glad the company claims to be No. 1, because when it comes to relationship service, who wants to be No. 2?) The Web site claims to use a scientific approach to match highly compatible singles. It does this based on your profile, and there’s no self-surfing involved.

On the 436-question relationship questionnaire, I’m stuck on the first one. Do I reveal my real name? What if someone I know, for example, an ex-boyfriend, finds out I’m on it? I’d die of embarrassment.

There are, like, three degrees of separation in the KA community (one degree if you’re from Los Angeles), so what if I run into people I know? (Or, what if I sign up and get matched with my ex-boyfriend??)

OK, I know I have to get over my fears. I compromise and use my Korean name. No one calls me by that except my grandmother. (It is, after all, eHalmeoni.)

More questions follow. I’m asked about my appearance, my temperament, my social style. I decide that if I am going to really commit myself to finding The One, I need to be really honest about who I am.

Then the questionnaire asks me to write down what I am most passionate about. My mind goes blank. I’ll finish this later.

Day Two

Putting my eHarmony questionnaire to the side, I explore some Korean dating sites. At Koreancupid.com I find pictures of only non-Korean men and very attractive Korean girls. OK, I’m getting a feeling this site caters toward white men with Asian fetishes. Also, they don’t even ask for your name — just a username. Most of the questions are about physical appearance. And my choices are Hot, Very Good Looking, Good Looking, On The Average, Below Average and Hard To Say. What the heck? Shouldn’t this site be called KoreanPimp.com?

Day Three

I decide to finish my eHarmony profile. I think it was good that I took some time to reflect and figure out why I’m doing this. I write “giving back to the community” as the thing I am most passionate about.

The site then claims that based on my profile, there are thousands of matches out there for me.

Day Four

I logged onto my account to find NO matches. Is there something wrong with me? Where’s the harmony?

Day Five

SEVEN matches today! Now this is more like it! Two of them are named Brian and two are named John. I get the sense that these guys may not be using their real names, but their profiles seem normal enough.

Some of them want to “start communication.” This is where you send a set of questions to each other. From there you go back and forth to see if the answers meet your standards.

I decide to just browse through the profiles and not act upon any of the communication requests nor “close” (delete) any matches.

Day Six

Today I discovered 35 more matches. OMG! I felt a bit overwhelmed until I realized some have already sent “closed” messages due to my picture not being posted; taking too long to answer the sent questions; or based on the statements made in my profile.

I can’t help but feel rejected. And one of the guys is cute, someone I would have definitely noticed if he were walking down the street. But I’m comfortable with what I put in my profile, so I can’t do anything about that. It does make me think that I need to put in more time on this, meaning start answering the questions sent me, post a photo and “close” the guys I don’t want to ever meet.

With the help of one of my guy friends, I find a picture I think I look cute in, or as he puts it, “I’d sleep with you if I saw that picture.” Of course I had to crop out my ex-boyfriend’s face and arm around my shoulder, which was a bit challenging.

Day Seven

I log on to find another five matches and spaz out because I actually know two of the guys. It makes me doubt eHarmony because I would have never thought they would be compatible with me.

I decide to practice height-ism and close all matches under 5’9.” That brings my number down to 20. Much more manageable.

Day Eight

Paul of Cerritos has caught my interest. His photo is nice, he has a job and seems relatively normal. It may sound bland, but it’s the safest starting point. I decide to focus my energy on him for now. From here on out it will be a few more guided communications and if both parties are interested, we can start talking without the assistance of eHarmony.

I’m not envisioning myself giving a testimonial on one of those eHarmony commercials just yet, but I am open to something good happening.

We shall see.

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